wedding

Answered by Ustadha Raidah

Question:I have been making dua for a good job and a good husband, but I am beginning to wonder why Allah doesn’t want to answer me. This is affecting my faith and sometimes leading to suicidal thoughts. 

I have always hoped to meet and marry a good, pious and educated man. Should I just agree to get married to the next handsome man that comes by, regardless of his religious beliefs, and hope that he will change?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah lift the sorrow from your heart.

Duas

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “One of you will be responded to, so long as he is not hasty, saying: ‘I supplicated, and I was not responded to.’” [Tirmidhi]

If you make intense supplication
and the timing of the answer is delayed,
do not despair of it.
His reply to you is guaranteed;
but in the way He chooses,
not the way you choose,
and at the moment He desires,
not the moment you desire. [Aphorism of Ibn Ata’illah]

One of the hardest tests in this dunya is submitting to the Will of Allah. Part of submission is enduring with things we don’t like. Even though it is so painful to be denied our heart’s desire, there is always wisdom behind why Allah delays the answering our duas. Perhaps it is a protection for us. We may think that marriage right now, to this person, is good for us, but our knowledge is limited. Allah is All-Knowing and All-Seeing. Our role is not to ask Allah why, but to trust that He knows best.

Provision

Please read Surah al-Waqiah every day and beg Allah to increase your provision, and that of your mother’s. Please refer to this excellent resource – Bringing Barakah Into Your Wealth and Life.

Steadfastness

Shahr bin Haushab reported: I asked Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her), “O Mother of the Believers! Which supplication did the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) make frequently when he was in your house?” She said: “He (upon him be blessings and peace) supplicated frequently: ‘Ya muqallib al-qulubi, thabbit qalbi ‘ala dinika (O Controller of the hearts make my heart steadfast in Your religion).” [Tirmidhi]

Please read this dua every day, after every fard salah. Please channel your desperation into sincere, heartfelt dua. Pour out your grief to Allah. Ask Him to increase your trust in Him.

Marriage

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah’s Messenger (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “The Fire is surrounded by all kinds of desires and passions, while Paradise is surrounded by all kinds of disliked undesirable things.” [Bukhari]

You are doing the right thing by prioritising deen in a husband. Doing what is pleasing to Allah is often difficult on the nafs. Please don’t be fooled by outward appearances, especially as we live in a time of deceptive social media. There is nothing “wrong” with you. The error lies in your perception. Marriage is a beautiful connection to another person, and it is also one of the greatest tests of our patience and character.

A good marriage is not only a sanctuary for you, but it is also a testing ground for your nafs. Think of what marriage brings to the table – the complications of in-laws, the stress of finances, the ups and downs of child rearing etc. If you are struggling to handle your life right now, then please don’t make the mistake of hoping that marriage will miraculously solve things. I pray that Allah helps you accept His Decree, and blesses you with a pious and loving husband when the time is right.

I don’t recommend that you marry a handsome man who does not take Islam seriously. Looks fade, and you may find yourself stuck with a husband who has very different priorities and values to you.

Support

Dear sister, I am very concerned that you are having passing thoughts of suicide. This indicates to me that you are in a tremendous amount of pain. Your soul can only take so much. I urge you to see a culturally-sensitive counselor to help you learn coping strategies. Until Allah lifts this trial from you, you need to learn better ways to regulate your emotions. Consider looking into Dr Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion, and reaching out to trusted friends and family.

Please find spiritually nourishing ways to soothe yourself. What helps you feel calmer? Reading or listening to Qu’ran? Making dhikr?

Please see:

Why my Singlehood Seems Endless and Why is it So Difficult to Bear?
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

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"Whoever guides someone to goodness will have a similar reward"-- The Prophet (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him)