Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari

Question: Assalam alaikum.

I have a daughter who is almost 2. He is Muslim and I’m not. I have begged him to tell his family about his daughter but he always seems to have an excuse. I’m finding it very hard to not tell them myself. I know we had a child out of wedlock but why should our daughter be punished for our mistakes? I need any advice you can give me because at the moment I’m really struggling.

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful

Dear Sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your question.

It’s best to approach this situation with the utmost delicacy.

Given that your (Muslim) partner is loathe to introduce your daughter to his family, you have to consider other options:

-Either accept that your daughter will likely not have a relationship with her father’s family, unless she chooses to seek them out when she is an adult.

-Or–and this is what I would probably do–write a letter to them introducing yourself and your daughter. Acknowledge in the letter that they will likely be uncomfortable with the situation, but that this is your reality. You can say that you don’t want your daughter to miss out on getting to know her father’s family, but you will let them dictate those terms. If they respond positively, set up a brief meeting in a neutral setting and bring small gifts for them. If they don’t respond positively, still thank them for the consideration and pray that Allah opens their hearts to the possibility of meeting this innocent child in the near future. If they don’t respond at all, then don’t despair. The important thing is that you tried.

-In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve been in a long-term relationship with this man. You have a daughter together. Why not make your relationship licit by getting married? If he values his Islam at all, he ought to honor you (and himself and your daughter) by marrying you.

I pray this has been helpful.

Regards,

Zaynab Ansari

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

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