In a Relationship with a Non-Muslim Man for Several Years
Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am a Muslim woman who has been in a relationship with a non-Muslim man for a few years. I have repented greatly for this, as I know that it was wrong, and we both wish to make things right. I told him years ago that I would not be able to marry him unless he was a Muslim, and he is willing to convert.
However, I do not think that he has any plans of practicing the religion, although he is currently learning how to pray so that he is able to part take in it with me and my family.
What should I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Conversion
Dear sister, you are a in a very delicate situation. Please ensure that you facilitate the conversion of the man that you love. That is the most important thing you can do for him in this world and the next. It is better for him to be a sinful Muslim, than to not be Muslim at all. It is promising that he is open-minded and willing to learn.
Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to guide him and keep him steadfast on the deen.
Marriage
I encourage you to complete the course Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.
I encourage you to only get married to him after he makes good on his Islam. This means he must already be praying, refraining from pork and alcohol, and so on. I suggest that you wait at least a year after his shahadah before getting married to him.
This means that you must stop the haram aspect of your relationship. Place him in the care of your male family members. Let them guide and support him. Your responsibility is to make good on your repentance, and nourish your spiritual self.
If he is meant to be your husband, then he is not going away. Trust in what Allah has promised for you.
Future children
Reflect on the characteristics you want in the father of your children. Children are like sponges, and they learn from watching their parents, for better or worse. Children are very attuned to the moods of their parents, and they will be affected
Even if you may plan for children later in life, after getting married, Allah may bless you with a child sooner rather than later. Because of this, it is better for you to marry who is already firm on his Islam. The adjustment to married life and then parenthood is already full of ups and downs, and it would be much harder when your husband is not committed to Islam.
Reality
At the end of the day, if the man you love is not willing to make good on his Islam, then I do not advise you to marry him. This will break your heart, but it will clear your path to marrying a more spiritually compatible husband for you, inshaAllah. Marrying someone serious about practising Islam will save you potential decades of heartbreak and disappointment.
However, if he is willing to make good on his Islam, then inshaAllah all of his past sins will be forgiven. May Allah bless you and him with whatever is best for your dunya and akhirah.
I pray this has been helpful. Please write back if you need further clarification.
Please see:
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.
