Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari
Question: I recently got engaged. For a period in my life just before the engagement I let my nafs overcome me. I decided to give my old computer to her and buy a new one and she discovered some old files, disgusting and inexcusable acts done online. I really regretted this and made, insh’Allah, a sincere repentance and resolved never to do it again . However, upon seeing these files she was very hurt and believes she can’t trust me again. I was just wondering how can I gain her trust back? She has said she can forgive but not sure if she can forget. What can I do to make her understand what I did will never and hasn’t happen again? Is there any dua I can say for her heart to get through this with sabr and see the goodness inside me and through those faults, I made a bad choice by allowing my nafs to get the better of me. Is there any duas anything to make her forgive and forget this act and see past it and give me another chance?
Answer: Dear Brother,
Thank you for your question.
I pray this message finds you well.
As part of the process of turning over a new leaf and repenting from past sins, it’s important to identify what led you down this road. I could not discern much from your message, but it sounds as if there was objectionable material on your computer. If you are still in contact with people who are a negative influence on you, you need to drop them. If you are dealing with self-esteem issues or any type of sexual addiction, you need to address these issues before marrying.
If you were involved with anyone else, you need to be sure this person is out of your life so you can move forward. And you need to be 100% honest with your fiancee. This means you have to be willing to do whatever it takes to establish trust, whether that means limiting your time online, ditching your computer altogether, or seeking couples counseling.
I think both of you need time to reevaluate your impending marriage. Are you ready for this step? I think both of you need to do some healing before making such a huge commitment.
You should both make istikhara and trust in Allah for the best outcome.
May Allah Ta’ala grant you ease,