Answered by Dr. Bano Murtuja

Question: Someone asked to marry me, and I was deeply interested in him.  My parents agreed, but they set unreasonable conditions, so he refused.  I got my parents to agree to take away their conditions, but the brother still refused. My problem is I can’t forget about him.  Other people want to marry me, but I only want to marry him because he is a very good man.   Please advise me because I am having problems forgiving my parents for this.

Answer: Walaikum salam,

I pray this finds you in the best of health and states.

Your parent’s actions in setting unreasonable demands in the first instance is problematic, however, the brother’s refusal to marry you despite your parent’s changing their minds is an indication that your marriage was not meant to be.

Whilst the first brother may be a good brother, Allah (Exalted be He), in His infinite Wisdom and Knowledge knows that which is best for us. Regardless of his character, it may have been that a marriage with him was not best for you in this life and the hereafter.

I understand that emotional attachment such as the one you formed with the brother in question can be difficult to break. However, comparing potential marriage partners with him is not begin fair to your self or to the brother’s who ask for your hand in marriage. When proposals come, you should make istikhara and ask Allah (Exalted be He) to make easy for you that which is best for you.

A full guide on how to make istikhara can be found here: The Reality of Istikhara

With regards to forgiving your mother, it is important that you remember our parents actions are often motivated out of love and concern for our welfare.

Allah (Exalted be He) has described the believers in the Qur’an as “those who avoid major sins and acts of indecencies and when they are angry they forgive” (al-Shura 42:37).

He (Exalted be He) also says: “And let not those of virtue among you and wealth swear not to give [aid] to their relatives and the needy and the emigrants for the cause of Allah , and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful” (an-Nas 24:22)

In trying to forgive others one should remember that we are all flawed, and all in need of forgiveness from human beings and by the Creator. In forgiving the wrongs done to us, we pray that we are in turn granted forgiveness for our transgressions.

May Allah (Exalted be He) grant you ease and facilitation in all your affairs.

Ma’salam

Bano

Related Answers:

Obeying Parents in Matters of Marriage

My Parents Won’t Let Me Marry Before My Older Sister

Marriage & Dealing With Parents

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"Whoever guides someone to goodness will have a similar reward"-- The Prophet (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him)