Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
I am looking for some advice on how to approach intimacy with a spouse. As a single Muslim female, I have spent 30 years warding off advances and inappropriate comments from the opposite sex, trying to keep my thoughts and actions pure. Now, I will be having my marriage soon and I feel that intimacy with my partner is a daunting subject. How can I prepare myself for this sudden change?
Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam. I pray you are well. Congratulations on your engagement. May Allah bless your marriage with much happiness.
It is natural to feel a little nervous about the wedding night. For this reason, it is particular important that both spouses are relaxed and comfortable with each other. They should understand that there is no pressure to do anything. Insha’Allah you have a whole lifetime ahead of you as a couple, so take your time.
Before recommending resources, perhaps the following brief suggestions will be of help:
1. Make du’a for a blessed and harmonious marriage
2. Exchange gifts on the wedding night, even if just a card
3. Dress pleasantly for each other, including jewellery, makeup, perfume etc.
4. Take time on the wedding night to talk with each other
5. Take each step as it comes. For some couples, it takes more than one night to feel totally comfortable with each other.
6. If you both feel comfortable to progress; a good first step is to simply lie together. Then, enjoy each other through caressing, stroking hair etc. If proceeding, then kissing, and so forth, gradually building up physical intimacy. The husband should be considerate in this regards.
7. Refer also to these answers (useful for both of you):
I can recommend the following books for you which are detailed in regards marriage in general and marital intimacy:
– Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage by Hedaya Hartford
– Islamic Guide to Sexual Relations by Mufti Muhammad Ibn Adam al-Kawthari
I would also highly recommend you both taking our course, Getting Married, if you haven’t yet already.
Wishing you all the best and a marriage full of purpose and peace.
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.