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Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

Even though I am making so much dua, I am in my thirties and still unmarried. I am chaste and don’t want to compromise on my deen by having coffee with men before marriage. My sisters say that I will never find a husband by being this conservative.

What do I do?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa brakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Marriage

“I created the jinn and humankind only that they might worship Me.” [Qur’an, 51:56]

When you are a Muslim woman, there is tremendous pressure to be married and have children by the time you are in your twenties. Because you are already in your thirties, you and your sisters are understandably worried.

Instead of being tormented by despair, know that there is another way. Submit to the Decree of Allah. Trust that He already has you in His care. Calm yourself down and take a step back. The purpose of your life is to know and worship Allah. You were not created with the sole purpose of marriage.

Please remind yourself, as often as you need to, that your worth is not attached a man. What matters most is your connection to Allah. When you remember this, then your heart will be much more at peace, and you will feel less rattled about being unmarried.

Education

I encourage you to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.

In the meantime, please download the free lesson sets such as
Getting Married, with Ustadha Shireen Ahmed and Shaykh Faraz Rabbani and I Am Near with Shaykh Faraz Rabbani.

Dua

It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “It is necessary that you do not become hasty.” It was said: “What does being hasty mean, O Messenger of Allah?” He said: “When one says: ‘I supplicated to Allah but Allah did not answer me.'” [Sunan Ibn Majah]

Have faith that Allah hears your prayers, and that He will answer them in His time – not in your time. The role of creation is to submit to our Creator, especially when we are denied our deepest desires. When you look beyond yourself, let go of your self-interest, then you will find within yourself a deep well of acceptance and peace.

You have two choices: either exercise beautiful patience, surrender to Allah, and draw closer to Him. The alternative is to have a heart that grows more and more unhappy with and distant from Allah. The choice is yours.

Prayer

Please wake up before Fajr and perform the Prayer of Need as often as you can. Pour out your deepest hopes and fears to Allah.

Practical steps

1) Take all practical and permissible means to search for a husband. For example, let trusted family and friends know that you are looking to get married.

2) Perform the Prayer of Guidance every day until the day you get married

3) Perform the Prayer of Need every day for a righteous and loving husband.

4) Every day, write down and reflect upon 10 blessings you are grateful for.

5) Be of service to those in need. When you help others, then you are less likely to be consumed by your own difficulties.

6) Read this dua everyday:

An authentic Prophetic supplication for ease and facilitation:

“O Allah, nothing is easy except what You make easy.

And You make the difficult, if You wish, easy.” (excerpt from Du’a – Supplication for one whose affairs have become difficult)

Parting thoughts

I know of many incredible women in their thirties, and sometimes older, who are unmarried, or trapped in deeply unhappy marriages.

Some rushed into marriage out of fear they would not find anyone better, and regretted it. It is better for you to be single, than rush into something that could be tremendously painful for you. That being said, some of us need to learn the hard way.

When the time is right, I pray that Allah sends you a loving and pious husband. In the meantime, ask Allah for patience, contentment and gratitude.

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Reader on Patience and Reliance on Allah

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

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"Whoever guides someone to goodness will have a similar reward"-- The Prophet (Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him)