Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari
Question: I made a mistake by doing unisamic actions with a girl I really liked. Afterwards, I felt guilty and did not want to see her anymore because it reminded me of the bad things we did. I see her as a bad influence even though I fully participated and initiated a lot of things. She is upset but wants to marry me. She is more religious, (prays regularly and is willing to make more changes) but i feel like it’s fake and just to get me. Is it wrong that I question her intentions? Or could this be the time Allah brings her back to Him? Am I wrong for letting go and not trying to marry her? I wanted to marry her initially.
Answer: Assalamu alaikum,
Thank you for your question.
There was a time in the United States, in the not-too-distant-past, when a man would “do the right thing” by a woman and marry her if they had had intimate relations and particularly if those relations resulted in a pregnancy. Although this was viewed as the honorable thing to do, it did not always ensure the longevity of the marriage since the marriage’s very foundation was shaky. Sometimes, however, strong marriages did arise from an unfortunate start, particularly if the couple were determined to look forward.
What you have to do is figure out if there’s the possibility of a strong marriage after this, or a lifetime of mutual resentment.
Speaking according to the strict letter of Islamic law, you are not required to marry the young woman if you have repented. That is, you do have the option of trying to start over with a clean slate and marry someone with whom you share less baggage.
From a human-relationships standpoint, though, you should probably consider her predicament. After all, both of you consented to the actions and it is wrong to blame her for a sin that you both committed.
If your negative opinion of her outweighs any good you see in her, despite her remorse, then it’s probably best to move on. If you see a future with her, then you need to leave the past and accept her repentance, just as you would hope she accept yours.
Please pray on it (salat al-istikhara).
May Allah make things easy,